A Right To Privacy
by Sho Nuf
Summary: Surely Shinji can have a little private time with his thoughts while living with Misato and Asuka...yeah, I didn't think so either.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello, my name is Anno Hideaki, and I own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's all mine, every bit of it. In case you're wondering about the legality of that, I recently bought all of Gainax and a number of our publishers around the world. I've been busy these past few weeks. Also, I've learned English. So surely you won't mind if I write this little story about my own grand story, and if my lawyers were ever to look at this in a strange way, then I'd promptly fire them. _

_So Congratulations! to me for moving on from world famous projects to this:_

---

He's got no shortage of foibles, but in some aspects you've really got to hand it to Shinji: he's dependable. Of course, you wouldn't say that if you were depending upon him to always remain at home or to pilot without hesitation; no, he's really not one to rely on in those situations. Anyone who would depend on him to do that sort of thing really must not know him well though; hell, his dad doesn't know shit about him, and even he anticipates that the kid'll run away. (And return.)

But that's just the thing. You can depend on him to run away for a bit, then almost leave, and then kill the Angel, and then whine about it. I can't blame you for thinking that those are the actions of an indecisive loser, but if you are you're missing the point: you can depend on him to kill the Angel. Really, what more should we ask of him?

Testicles. That's what we can ask of him. Grow a pair, kid. We don't ask it just because we're mean, but because we know that it's for your own good. (Just like we agree that a certain contrary Kraut could use a good spanking—she needs discipline! Lots of it. Often. Also, leather accentuates discipline; where as other clothes do not. FYI) Now in a world of clones and Angels and purple-haired people who have pet penguins, the idea of a guy who actually doesn't have any jimmies isn't that far-fetched; I'm being figurative. That's painfully obvious for Shinji, I'm sure…

…but perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself; as I was saying, you can depend on Shinji for a lot of things. Punctuality, for example. It's like the kid has an alarm clock in his brain. (That's no surprise; the kid is like the Baggin' Saggin' Barry of psyches. I'm pretty sure that having that many people in one mind is against a fire code or something.) So while Misato is still sleeping it off, and while Asuka punishes her snooze button, and while PenPen…anyways, while they're doing all that, Shinji is already up and cooking breakfast. Seeing as no one else in the Katsuragi residence can touch a stove without producing abominations before God that would make SEELE pack up and go home, that's pretty convenient.

That's exactly why it was so strange when the female/avian population of the apartment rose before Shinji. This caused great interest and ire amongst Asuka and Misato, (NERV personnel deal with many strange things at work, so every scrap of expected monotony that they can get is cherished.) and two such proactive people were left with only one option: cook breakfast.

---

Wait wait wait, this isn't going to turn into an outlandish AU just yet.

---

Two such proactive people were left with only one option: barge into Shinji's room and make the boy cook breakfast. Well, one of them at least. Why would Asuka Langley Sohryu ever want to go into Shinji's room? (Some might see this as denial behavior from a high-fragile self-esteem personality, but in reality it was just that she's lazy. You'd be surprised at the stuff you can get away with when people think you're hiding crippling emotional issues.) So it was that which brought Misato into Shinji's room that morning, to find a boy who was feeling much more pleasant than the two lucid ladies. A contented smile was spread across his face as he comfortably tossed and turned under the sheet that was draped across him. In fact, you could say that that it were draped much more definitively over certain parts of the young man. It's not like he could help it…he's got to take a whiz or something.

Barely suppressing a giggle, Misato loudly whispered "Asuka! You've got to come see this! "

"What is it? Does the dork have his thumb in his mou--" Asuka froze fast upon entering the room and seeing what Shinji was obviously doing with his unconscious time.

It started with a snicker. It elevated to a giggle. Before she could contain herself, Asuka had let out a full-fledged chortle. It was only due to Misato's quick removal of the girl that the uproarious guffaw that followed didn't wake Shinji.

"Asuka!" Misato hissed. "Quiet down!"

"I…I…I just can't…he…he was having a…AHAHAHA!"

After a good minute or two rolling on the floor, the girl finally managed to regain her composure. Mostly.

"So," Misato asked with a snort," do you think we should take pictures?"

Asuka's blue eyes lit up. "The blackmail opportunities…they just go on and on!"

"We'll have him waiting on us hand and foot after this!"

"Yeah, we can make him cook and clean and—wait a second Misato, what's the point?"

With their initial machinations put to rest, the two just snuck into Shinji's room again. There was really only one thing to see in there; Asuka had already started to get a little uncomfortable, but such things were old news for Misato.

"You know," the older woman said with a giggle, "he's really grown a lot since I last saw him like this…"

Flustered, Asuka shot back, "You're just as perverted as he is! Only you would notice how lusciously massive his—uh, hey! What do you mean 'since the last time?' What have you two been doing together, you child molester!"

"Oh, nothing. Not nearly what we're doing together in his head!" Misato teasingly answered.

"What are you talking about? It's obvious that all his little jack-off fantasies are about me!"

"Not likely. I'm sure he'd much rather dream about a real woman…" Misato said, stretching back to stick out her impressive chest. Unfortunately for Misato, the effect was ruined by the loud pop that issued from her back, which Asuka wasted no time in exploiting.

"Yeah, he probably has nightmares about wrinkly old hags like you!"

"Are you so sure? I bet you a week's worth of chores that he's thinking about me right now."

Knowing that:

A. Neither of them would be doing any chores while Shinji was around,

and

B. She was the greatest at everything,

Asuka readily agreed.

"But how the hell are we going to find out?" Asuka asked. "It's not like he'd ever tell us."

"Now while he's awake," Misato replied as she crept to Shinji's side, "but while he's still dreaming…"

Misato leaned over to Shinji's ear, and in her most seductive voice whispered, "Ooooh, Shinji, say my name!"

The boy's mouth opened slightly, but all that escaped was a quite moan.

"I guess he's not into golden girls then," Asuka cackled as she pushed Misato out of the way to lean over Shinji. Putting on the sexy voice she always used to drive Shinji up the walls, she whispered, "Yes, yes Shinji! Oh, say my name!"

Once again, the boy just groaned, this time a little more intensely.

Flustered with her defeat, Asuka grew angry. (Raise your hand if you saw this coming!) "Well what the hell is that Blödel thinking about!" she yelled, wildly pulling herself up. As she rose, she brought up a side of the sheet with her, to reveal that Shinji's underwear had been pushed aside by its prisoner. The color in Asuka's cheeks finally matched her hair as she stood agape.

Shinji's eyes fluttered and he turned once again. His mouth opened for another moan, but this time he finally released a word:

"A…Ay…AYANAMI!"

There's actually a reason beyond his natural inclination towards housework that Shinji does the laundry around the apartment. Certain embarrassing stains should be kept private, and this incident was not the first of its kind. On this particular occasion, however, neither underwear nor sheets stood in the line of fire; the girl standing directly above him, however, might as well have been the broad side of a barn. PenPen had waddled into the room to see what all the excitement was about awhile before, and then got a bird's-eye-view of the action. (For something going on on the floor, this particular bird's view was perfect.) He watched as the product of Shinji's passion flew out, as it gracefully arced through the air, and as it landed messily right on the front of Asuka's uniform skirt.

"MEIN GOTT!" Asuka screeched, suddenly waking Shinji from his eventful slumber.

"I'm sorry! Wait, what's going on—" was all he could get out before Asuka's foot slammed squarely into his stomach as she sprinted out of the room.

"EWW EWW EWW EWW EWW EWW EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" she continued to bellow as she ran to her room. As soon as she got there, Asuka ripped off the soiled garment and in an act of characteristic impetuousness, flung it out the window.

"I'M…I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH, A REALLY LONG ONE, AND WHEN I GET OUT…I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS SO HARD YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled as she stormed into the bathroom, forgetting in her fury even her lack of clothing.

"Mi…Misato?" Shinji stammered, covering himself and looking up at his guardian, "What the hell just happened?"

---

Several floors below on the sidewalk outside, loser-extraordinaire and self-confessed diabolical bastard Kensuke Aida watched as a skirt flew out of the window of what he knew to be his best friend Shinji's place. Kensuke is a fairly intelligent boy, though he can sometimes make unwise decisions. Due to his unique ways of thinking and distinctive interests, it's rarely a surprise when he gets his ideas. You could say that he's…dependable. So it was no surprise when Kensuke, an avid lover of everything perverted, quickly snatched up the girly item. Luckily for him, and all of us who have eaten recently, he noticed the offensive addition to the garment before he took a big sniff.

"Whoa! What was going on up there! Wait…that was Shiji's place…so this must be Asuka's…and THAT must be Shinji's…"

Kensuke's bespectacled eyes lit up. "The blackmail opportunities…they just go on and on!"

---

(To be continued?)

_I really don't know about the continuation. I had an idea for the basic story of this, and while I had considered it as a start for a longer story, I sure didn't have any ideas for anything beyond this. When I sat down to write it, I intended for it to just be a one-shot gag…but in review of it, it really seems to need more. So maybe there will be. I've got a whole summer ahead of me, hopefully I'll keep going. This is the first story I've ever written, so we'll just have to see how it works out. Hope you enjoyed it!_


	2. Decency has abandoned us

**_Who's the Baddest?_**

_Sho'Nuff!_

_**Who is the prettiest?**_

_Sho'Nuff!_

_**Who's the baddest mofo low-down around this town!**_

_Sho'Nuff!_

_**WHO'S THE MASTA!**_

_Sho'Nuff!_

_**I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**_

_SHO'NUFF!_

**_The Shogun a' Harlem. Also, who owns Neon Genesis Evangelion?_**

_Not you, Master. But you could kick Anno's ass.  
**Damn right. Anyways, get my keyboard ready, I've got some writing to do.**_

_What's the story going to be about Master?_

_**Shit, I don't know. I make this stuff up as I go along.**_

_So we should expect some really strange crap, right Master?_

_**Precisely, except you may never insult anything graced by my influence in such a way. Die.**_

And with that, I bit his Achilles tendon in half and then slammed his skull into the floor until he died. That's what happens when someone betrays the sacred duties of the entourage.

---

One of the greatest mysteries of the teenager is why their showers take so very long. Well, not really. Everybody knows what the teenage guys are doing in the shower, and the most recent intelligence suggests similar things for the females. Shinji was not privy to this information, but he knew for practical purposes that Asuka was going to be in there for ages. More today, he presumed…the girl would probably need a lot of scrubbing before she was satisfied. Interestingly enough, this was the first time that he had imagined anything to do with Asuka and the shower without giving it a second thought. Ah, those few minutes of satisfaction…it wasn't much satisfaction though, because other matters were bearing down on the boys mind; specifically, what would be bearing down on other parts of the boy in the near future.

Shinji had dressed himself when Misato left the room acting like she had never seen anything so funny. He hesitantly walked out to find his guardian.

"Misato? What's going to, um…happen to me?"

She quickly put on a serious face and gave an expression of deep thought.

"Speaking from a tactical standpoint and remembering all of my training in military strategy, I would first try to get into the mind of the enemy," Misato firmly told him. "And knowing the behavior of the current foe, I would say that after she gets out of the bathroom, her preferred policy will be one of _Vernichtungsgedanke_."

"_Danke_? That means _thank you_, right?" Shinji asked without even needing to hear the answer. His world view(Or his _Weltanschauung,_ but if he knew what that was he'd already have it confirmed) did not allow for him to get off that easily.

"Not quite Shin-chan. It's a little bit of military theory. It calls for the fast annihilation of the opposing forces."

Shinji pondered on this for a moment.

"So what you're saying..is that…"

Realization dawned on him.

"ASUKA IS GOING TO BLITZKRIEG MY BALLS?"

Barely even taking the time to shove a piece of left-over toast into his mouth, Shinji dashed out of the apartment fueled by the only thing which ever really saved his ass: the preservation of one's legacy.

---

_Post-Publication Author's Note: Stop here. Don't read the rest, it's bad and it's disgusting. Not for the prude, to be sure; certainly not for those who want realistic characters or quality. But I wrote it, so I'll publish it._

---

A long while later, Asuka strolled out of the bathroom clad in--not surprisingly--a gratuitously low-hanging towel.

"Mi-sah-tooooooooo" she sang out as she looked into the living room, obviously in a good mood.

"Damn it Asuka, the rest of us like hot water too! What took you so long?"

The redhead smiled as she replied, "Well I discovered the strangest thing about myself today."

Misato raised an eyebrow, intrigued by the girls answer, and the lack of ear damage she was suffering. "What kind of discovery, Asuka?"

"It turns out that I've got a HUGE semen fetish!"

Silence reigned supreme. Oh, it had fought over the rich lands of the Katsuragi residence before, campaigning back and forth against the hated armies of Noise. Now, now it had triumphed, for Noise's greatest weapon had been stolen from it and added to Silence's arsenal. The One-Of-Mighty-Lungs had been turned against her former liege.

Misato tilted her head slightly and calmly spoke. "Asuka? Sweety? What the fuck has happened to you?"

"Crazy, isn't it? I was so pissed off at first, but as I was laying there in the water, I started thinking about what had happened…and I was just so aroused! I forgot all about being angry and just, uh…"

"Oh, I was a teenage girl once too! I know what I did in the shower. Still do." Misato replied, surprisingly acceptant of the current conversation. "I'm just so happy for you Asuka! I remember when I first discovered that I had a gun fetish! Oh, Kaji would pull out his piece, and before I knew it I was pulling out his other piece, and it was just so magical!" She eyes glistened with nostalgic tears as she gave Asuka a proud maternal hug.

---

_Shit, I don't even know how we got here. Hell if I know what real "girl talk" is like…I can dream, can't I?_

---

Not even the mention of her Kaji plowing Misato like a field could dampen Asuka's spirits. Ain't nothin' gonna break her stride, damn it.

"Oh, you shouldn't go on like that!" she said. "Shinji'd probably have a heart-attack if he heard you. Say, where is that dork anyways? He's got some producing to do."

---

_Alright, screw it, chapter over. This is what I get for deciding to start writing at midnight. Strike this one from the records, it shall forever be known as the Chapter That We Don't Pay Attention To. The next one will start from the "legacy." Consider the rest one of those Omake thingies. Yeah._


	3. In which characters whine

_Are you Sho'Nuff?_

_**No.**_

_**No.**_

_**No.**_

**_I'm not Sho'Nuff. I'm Sho Nuf, Sho'Nuff's superviser. I warned him. But he got caught up in this fanfiction crap to save it from mediocrity and the fanboys who love it._**

_Hogwash._

**_He broke a lot of copyright laws. Now he's on the run from Gainax. Maybe he got his ass kicked by Leroy Green while looking for the Glow?. Somewhere in the depths of Harlem._**

_Hey Sho, let's make out!_

_**Okay!**_

…_**you're female, right? I mean, that's what the lack of bolding suggests, isn't it?**_

_We'll presume that for now._

_**Good enough for me.**_

---

For a dude who gets his pseudo-limbs blown off by alien warriors of God rather frequently, Shinji's a laid-back dude.

But…

He's a lamer. He's not so uncool that he'd call himself "The Shininator" or anything; no, it's nothing like that. That's for dumb folks. He just sucks with…people. And life. So much that Asuka scares him shitless. Which is fairly dumb. So I think he at least deserves the demeaning handle of "The Shinster."

The Shinster arrived at school early, hoping to find refuge through distance from the Second and proximity to law and order. By the time he'd arrived, however, the initial terror he felt had diminished. Surely she wouldn't care that much about him. He didn't have much time to feel the comfortable embrace of self-pity though, because I great and obnoxious voice rang out from the basketball court near bye.

"YO SHIN-MAN!"

Unlike The Shinster, Touji was lame and dumb enough to say stuff like "Shin-man."

"Oh…hey Touji. Hi Kensuke." The Shinster replied.

"Kenny-A here told me some interesting gossip, Icky."

"What's that? Who's it about?"

"Actually Shinji," Kensuke (Dorkier than either of his friends, but in a more classic sense.) "it's about an Eva pilot, so we were wondering if you could tell us anything."

Giggles were suppressed from the two of them.

"An Eva pilot? I doubt there's any hot gossip about Ayanami, so it must be Asuka, right?"

"Indeed it is, Shintron 3000. We have…"

"Reason to believe…" Kensuke filled in with a snort.

"That Asuka has…"

"A LOVER!" they shouted in unison.

"A Boy toy!"

"A fuck buddy!"

"A piece of meat!"

"A WHAT!" the Shinster cried out in horror. "She's…sleeping with some other guy! No!"

In the world of Evangelion, there is no such thing as a Freudian Slip. There's no such person as Freud, in the same way that we know of no such person as Atom.

"Hah!" the Stooges shouted, still showing synchronization rates that'd get Kensuke that lovely piloting job in no time, assuming they stuff Touji's soul into the next Eva. "That proves that you two are doing it!"

The Shinster was taken aback, realizing that somewhere he'd taken a wrong step and was rapidly sinking into a pit of conversational quicksand.

"Wha, what are you guys talking about? Me and Asuka don't, it's not like that, we just live together, she'd never, um, she'd—"

Touji cut in. "Don't even get started, Shin-alumpagus. Applegate here found the remains of your sinful coupling. Ain't that right?"

"Yeah!"

"So start explaining yourself now! How could you do it with The Devil?"

"No, I—"

Kensuke piped in: "How _did_ you do it with The Devil?"

"Do you have _pictures_ of The Devil?"

"Yeah, hook us up with some Underworld-class Underwear!"

"YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF ASUKA'S PANTIES!"

The sudden outburst shut all three boys up long enough for them to notice their surroundings. More students had entered the schoolyard. One head stuck out from the crowd, partly due to its closeness, partly due to its bright red hair, and partly do to the spiked war helmet on top of it.

Asuka stared. There was no movement, save for the small hammer that she softly, rhythmically pounded into the palm of her hand, and that of a length of rope hanging coiled around her arm that swung with the motion.

She spoke. Growled. Whatever.

"I...won't be soiled. Like an object. Like a filthy little blow-up doll...don't try to use me like that. I want you to remember that. So I'll do them one at a time, Shinji. I'll do them one at a time."

The beat continued.

Silence reigned. Again.

Then the bell rang. God damn that bell—all bells, really. That's what Silence thought. Except for when it was in Ankh-Morpork, Silence got screwed over by bells. But this is a story about The Shinster, not Silence. Silence makes for boring stories.

The general hustle and bustle resumed, and H. Hikari called out to her friend. "Hey Asuka! Good morning!"

Asuka smiled and turned. "Good morning Hikari! Let's get to class." She scowled back at The Shinster and his band of merry men, then quit the scene. It's not like it really matter where the hell she went off to.

"Shinji?" Kensuke hesitantly asked. "If you don't make it…can I have Unit 01?"

"Relatively laid back" was gone. Paranoia was The Shinster's new mode of existence. This wasn't right. She should have just yelled and hit him on the head or something. Or maybe it could have just blown over. But she still hadn't done anything…but she was going to. Surely this couldn't be.

---

The Shinster: And stop calling my Shirley!

Sho: Huh?

The Shinster: Every time you vocalize my thoughts, you say "Shirley:"!

Sho: No I don't. You're dumb and you can't read good. I say "surely" as a rhetorical technique to highlight your questionable thought patterns while remaining in the third person.

The Shinster: Oh. Well, you're writing in English, how the hell was I supposed to know?

Sho: You SPEAK English, baka.

The Shinster: Yeah, I do. And like a dozen other languages, it seems. But have you ever seen me READ English? No! The dubbers don't go through all that trouble to change the text!

Sho: Damn, you're right. Wait, no you're not! There's English all over the place in the show! You Japanese have language envy!

The Shinster: Not all Asians have small penises!

Sho: …Language envy. Not penis envy.

The Shinster: Oh. Yeah, I, umm, misheard you.

Sho: Ever hear of a Freudian Slip?

The Shinster: No.

Sho: In this case, it would suggest that you're a, ahem, LITTLE concerned about—

The Shinster: You said yourself that I was "lusciously massive!" What's up with that, anyways? That wording sounds a little too inspired.

Sho: Asuka said that! I was writing in character! I refuse to acknowledge these, these wild allegations?

The Shinster: Is that so? I don't remember you writing me as thinking about Misato's bouncy, so-soft breasts!

Sho: I just did, ass.

The Shinster: Shit!

Sho: Oh, shut up already. You're so insecure about your masculinity that you contested the possibility of me calling you "Shirley" before even recognizing that I've been referring to you as "The Shinster" this entire time.

The Shin—"SHINJI DAMN IT": Fuck you dude!

Sho: No thanks. But no hard feelings.(Really) Feel free to call me after you bang Kowaru, I'll coach you through all the strange feelings you'll be having. Just to get it out of the way, they're called "sexual attraction." You hang out with a bunch of chicks, so I doubt that _you've_ experienced it before.

Purple Poop Pirate: Now wait just a minute, I—Oh come on, how immature can you get!

Sho: XFD

The King of All _Cosmo_: That's it, I'm tired of this name crap, especially from a dude who's started to use emoticons. We're throwin' down right here!

---

And then I just lost it and kicked his heart out. Alright, now that that uppity whiner is out of the way, I can go back to illustrating his thoughts however the hell I want.

---

You are Shinji Ikari. You are baffled at the behavior of Asuka. You know that she wouldn't have carried a joke or a game so far. It's really creeping you out. You here some weak-ass chumpette from beyond the grave telling me that the second person blows, and I cede the point. Shinji couldn't concentrate at all. When faced with a history test, he couldn't remember any of what the teacher had taught, or any of the guidelines Section 2 had given him about what he was supposed to tell people, resulting in him just writing the first thing that came to his head about the test: the truth. Yeah, Guan Yu kicked the most ass, he didn't care if Gendo liked Liu Bei better.

Meanwhile, Asuka herself considered her actions.(And the fact that the test was obviously bunk. There wasn't even an option to put Lu Bu.) She had firmly decided that the morning's events had grossly offended everything about her, and that there was going to be retribution. She decided that for once someone would actually pay for it. Someone besides her.

But…

She wasn't quite sure why she was doing it like this. She was glad that Shinji had left before she could get to him, because she would have just yelled at him and insulted him and hurt him…it would have been inevitable. So she had brought along the ropes, and the hammer, and even the helmet in a bit of dark humor. But it took too long. She started thinking about it. She knew that it wasn't his fault, but for some reason it just made her so angry. Being demeaned by that pervert, while he screamed out _her_ name. She didn't know why it made her so mad, and…she didn't want to find out.

Shinji looked depressed and worried, which was obvious to Asuka. "Why can't he get over anything?" Asuka thought. "He probably hates me for how I've been acting. I don't know why I tried to tell him why I was mad. Not like I even know…"

Asuka still had a grimace on her face, and Shinji noticed. "Why did this sort of thing always happen to me?" Shinji thought. "She's going to do…something, and I don't think she's ever going to speak to me again. Why won't she just tell me what's wrong instead of taking it out on me? What am I supposed to do?"

---

**I Get Fed Up With Real Writing And Decide To Screw Around Time! **(Omake)

---

Kensuke was excited, and no one really cared. "Man, what if they really did have to remove Shinji or Asuka for not getting along?" he thought. "I might actually get to pilot! Aww man, there'd be Evas and Angels, and I bet NERV has lots of cool gadgets, and I'd get to go inside the Pyramid, and chicks totally dig Eva pilots! Shinji can't keep Ayanami off of him…or did he say it was the other way around?"

Hikari Horaki was looking very studious, to the approval of her teacher, and her dad, and all those expectations! "Please Master, will you put it in again?" she thought, where no one else could hear her. "What? Bu—of course Master, but I don't know if it will fit back there Master. What! I'm sorry Master! Please don't punish me! I'm Your's! Oh…oh yes!"

Toji Suzuhara was looking rather bored, as usual. "Ass. Boobs. Sports. Sudden deep, serious, manly thoughts about life." he thought. "Ass. Boobs. Sports."

Some other dude was actually paying attention, until he noticed all the crap going on between the actual characters. "Fucking Eva pilots. They think they're the only ones with problems! Yeah, my mom died too, and my dad actually beats me! You don't see me killing the entire damn world over it!"

Rei Ayenami was looking out a window, so that she could see those two dogs doing it.

---

_You know, I think I'm spending more time on this Asuka bit than I did on the entire rest of the story. Shinji is about a million times easier to write for, especially when I'm not getting in deep with him. I wrote up to the second "but…" one night when my internet had gone off. It still hasn't come on, and I've decided to occupy myself with this again. But trying to come up with how she'd act how I want her to act is hard! Believe it or not, the idea of keeping the actual (main) characters is a little important to me. I think I've reached the point where just writing as I go along won't work. Or maybe I should just scrap any shred of seriousness or meaningful characters and keep going for wacky situations. Lemme know. So far, this paragraph is longer than anything about her thoughts, and I've spent about a tenth of the time on this. Basically the only clear windows into her character are Episode 22 and EoE, which is too bad. She could've had more. Damn you Gainax, there could've been another episode of FLCL about Ninamori too!_

Due to my strong personal hatred of the over-use of "baka" and other such convenient Japanese words in English stories, I must mention that I only used it here as a self-referencing joke about speaking in English. Which you should do, if you say you're going to. Japanese every now and then is acceptable, and honorifics aren't too bad. I confess, I even inconsistently used "Shin-chan" earlier, simply cuz I think it sounds cute coming from Misato. Asuka spouting German sometimes is alright, since she does that on the show and you aren't necessarily supposed to understand all of it then. (Auch, die Deutsch ist echt stark.) But if every third line features "ana-baka" or "baka-Shinji," there's a bit of a problem. Well, there's a problem even without the vocabulary issue if every third line has that, but whatever. You get the point.

Also, "sweatdrop" is not a verb, damn it, and the entire concept should have nothing to do with written media. It's a visual gag, so unless your story is illustrated, shut the hell up with it.


	4. Where Our Hero Learns A Lesson

_I don't own Evangelion, but I did acquire the rights to one of the characters!...SEELE 05. Damn it. I always get the worst luck. Well, anyways, I believe I've already made it quite clear that where I take this story is wherever it strikes me as interesting to take it, so there you go. I won't say don't complain, because that'd be no fun._

"Listen up little bitchlings, I'm running another test on you!" Dr. Akagi roared through her mike. "We're stuffing your whiney asses in the Evas this time, and we'll be experimenting with an entirely different LCL circulation method."

"Is that so? Please, call me when an Angel attacks, it's so much less dire and I simply can't take the stress!" Asuka retorted, bored with the procedure and still mightily miffed over the day's previous happenings.

"Why the hell would I call you if an Angel attacked? What'll you do, yell at it till it slit its wrists? You certainly wouldn't be able to kill it!"

"Shut up! Why don't you go home and play with your lil' pet puss? That is unless she's working late today."

It was well known that Ritsuko had quit smoking a few days earlier, so no one really paid the proceedings much heed. Shinji could see Asuka's temper reaching critical levels, and he was far from thrilled.

Ritsuko continued, a little out of breath. "Just so you know, Frau Skankenheimer, this LCL circulation could change the entire way that your mind connects to the Eva's. This might even be more important than the new fabric we put in your plug suits. Who knows, it might be dangerous. Which, bye the way, is why Rei won't be doing this."

"Well thank goodness," Shinji replied. "I'd hate to see Rei get hurt, but if she's not here I guess we can go on."

Eva armor hides the eyebrows completely, so no one really noticed the nervous tick that Asuka started flashing. She caught Shinji entirely by surprise with the bloody roar that emanated from her comm-channel…and Eva.

"YOU WORTHLESS IDIOT!" she screamed, before losing all self-restraint. Screaming across the sky, Unit 02's colossal foot careened with world-crushing force into the purple crotch that Shinji's mind, body and soul had attached itself to.

...

...

.

That sure was one hell of a day. I'd been having such a nice dream, but it went downhill from there until Asuka kicked me in the nads while we were in the Evas. Then I had another strange trip in Unit 01, those were always crazy. All in all though, it was really just another unremarkable day from before. Boring for the most part, seasoned with plenty of me being punished for her being a horrible human being.

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. The better times, the worse. But they aren't real to me anymore, they're like a tv show that I once saw. It's not like there's much else to do though, or anything else to think about. It makes me feel a little better if I think about how horrible she was. She was terrible. I'm scum; she was a bitch, she was my punishment, there's no other explanation. That's why she was here. The only one here, besides me. Why she can't go away even when I go back or go ahead.

I'm so damn confused. Everything had just gone mad, and then I went away…I was finally full, but so much so that I couldn't even know why…so I was empty again.

I didn't want to be there, like that. I wanted the real world; you can imagine my disappointment waking up in Hell.

I don't know how else to describe it here. There's no ungodly darkness, no flames, but there are demons. What I do see around me is Infinite. I can see everything before me, and everything behind, all the world and all of me, all of it here by the sea in the place that God has left me. I hate it.

I was hoping for Earth. My Earth, that lived. Misato's apartment, school, NERV, Tokyo-3, all that. I wouldn't have really minded waking up in Unit 01; I don't like it, and I knew that I wouldn't necessarily like what was to come, but at least that would've made sense. Instead I've got what was left over from mankind's only dream.

I'd really been all over for awhile, you have to understand. I'd seen things that just aren't supposed to be, and now I'm here. I think it's over, but it could be a dream that you wake up from only to discover that it hasn't let go of you yet, that waking up was just one more part of it.

It seems like a dream, because it can't be true. I'm now willing to accept a sky of blood, and the head of my Maker looming dead on the horizon, but I simply can't believe that Asuka would be here with me.

Look out over the water, for just a moment I think I see Rei. But I still don't know if it is real, so there has to be a test. Before when I had been gone from the world, I'd strangled her. I took her beautiful, delicate neck between my claws and clenched, wanting to destroy her. I squeezed, I crushed. She had just stared.

So I crawl over to her. I kneel down on top of her, bowing down for my final prayer to reality. So again I loom over her and sin. I wrap my hands around her throat and press down. I tighten my grip, I press. And she's reaching up and touching me. She's touching me, her hand is caressing my cheek. She's not just staring; in fact she's not even looking at me. So I think I should cry. I can't really say that I'm crying because of what she's doing, or what I'm doing. At that point, I'm just crying.

"…How disgusting."

She's right.

Nothing has changed. Not around me: the sky, the water, the land, the world is static. Not her. I'd just been thinking about…things, and now I've come to my senses and realized what was going on. I had finally shown God that Man wasn't going to make it, and for my sacrifice He had, in his infinite mercy, brought them to Heaven with Him. But sacrifices don't get the rewards; if they did, they wouldn't mean anything. There had to be a scapegoat, someone to blame for Man's weakness, someone to suffer the punishment of giving up. I got to pick my damnation, and in my foolishness I picked this one. Jokes about choosing that sort of thing were a lot funnier when the Devil gives a little tour of Hell and the guy ends up giving a blow job or swimming in shit for eternity. Or I guess they were really funnier because they weren't happening to me.

Asuka told me to find some wood for a fire, but the wood wouldn't burn. She told me that I'm worthless, and now she's crying. Now here's a quandary. How about I put my arm around her. Might as well try something new, it's not like it matters anymore.

"Get away from me."

I guess not. Looks like I was right all along, she really doesn't want me.

She really knows how to get to me. Not Asuka-of course, she does; there are no days here, but we've been here for far more moments than I can fathom and we aren't getting along-that's not who I'm talking about. I mean my warden. My judge, my executioner, whatever she is to me. Rei, the one who must have delivered me here. When I saw her, I don't know if she was leaving me here, or if I was just catching her watching me. Like Misato said, it hurts me more when I hurt others, though it still hurts when they hurt me. That's why Asuka is included. So I can hurt her by her being here, and so that she can hurt me. I chose pain, and Rei is giving it to me.

Now what I'm not totally sure about is if there's a way out. I know that if I start walking down the beach, or swimming into the…stuff…or going inland, I'd still be _here_. And this will probably last for eternity. Time is sort of different when you're alone: I said that I can see all before me, and it's kind of like that. I can feel the future, the past, because it all runs together and back again when it has nothing to distinguish it, and when it's all me alone. Asuka is real, but she's just another part of that which isn't me now. That's what I chose.

But that could just be if I accept this. Before I had been given the option to accept or decline; in NERV, in Unit 01, in the Womb. Maybe I could again. This is my destiny, what God has allotted for me, but fuck it. Blasphemy is in my blood, after all.

I approached her. "Asuka!"

She looked up at me. Aside from when we had fought a few times, we weren't usually very loud, because there was no reason.

"What do you want?"

I answered her with my hands. For the third time in what is not my life, I put them around her neck and throttled her. Not out of anger, not out of desperation, but finally for something real. This time I really hated her. I couldn't be with her anymore, because I wasn't going to accept her as my curse. She was everything that was pain for me, so much that even looking at her made my heart hurt. I can say with unwavering faith that I truly hate Asuka Langely Sohryu.

And for the first time, she reacts with something real. This time she was scared, she was angry, and she was grasping for life. I guess we'd finally come to an understanding.

That was her weakness though. She fought for her life, while I knew that such a thing was worthless. I was fighting for so much more. She was able to wrest my hands from her neck, but I wasn't done. She kicked and scratched and hit and bit, but it all amounted to nothing. We rolled in the sand fighting, and some of those blows she gave me really, really hurt, but it didn't matter. I knew I was doing the same to her. I had rammed my knee into her stomach and she was entirely without breath, so I stood up and grabbed her by her hair. Long, lovely red hair, but it was matted and tangled by then. I drug her through the sand to the sea's edge and flung her in. She tried to regain her footing, but I lunged at her and pushed her back down. I took hold of her arm to keep her under me, and the stood on her, one foot pressing her face down into the sand under the water, another planted on her back. She struggled, but she was already out of breath and her gasping only filled her lungs with the stuff. Eventually her movements started to slow, and finally they stopped altogether as I felt her life disappear from beneath my heel.

But then something unexpected happened. Her body kind of dissolved. I guess that's what happened to everybody before. It turned into LCL and further polluted the water. Interestingly enough, the part of her arm that I held remained intact from where it was in contact with the water.

And that was it for her.

Before I had Asuka as the only feature of the beach. I figured that once I'd gotten rid of her it'd be better. I would at least have Hell to myself. It isn't. Her arm is really all I've got now. It's more quiet, but I admit that it's lonelier. I didn't know how much bad company was still company. Privacy is overrated.

I've been here for a long time.


	5. At Which Point Things Happen

_Sho's Note: Did you like the last chapter? I hope that the year or so it's been since I've been here has been enough time for it to ferment a little bit you know, settle in and ripen. After re-reading this story, I can confidently say that it was my best. So here's another because I feel like it._

--

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHY DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?" Shinji screamed as his entire world hurtled through a cacophony of pain.

"You want to know why you idiot?" Asuka replied through the intercom, "the fact that you need to ask is just as bad!"

Just before she could deliver another mind-threatening strike to Unit 01's groin, however, Ritsuko managed to hit the emergency shut down of Unit 02's external systems, paralyzing Asuka before any more harm could be done. It wasn't sympathy for the boy or even concern for damage to the Eva that inspired her, however; the psychiometric wave-length's from Unit 01's Rorschach Interface Gauge had just fluctuated wildly off the charts.

"Shinji, what the hell just happened in there?" the stressed-out woman asked.

"Wh-what? Miss Akagi? But…oh god Asuka, I'm so sor—what's going on?" Shinji cried, his words gradually sounding less and less hysterical.

--

_Sho's Note: fun fact for you readers out there, "hysteria" originates from the Greek word "hystera," which referred to ovaries. "Hysteria" was thought to be a disturbance of the ovaries which caused mental anguish and wild behavior in women; in other words, the Greeks and medical practitioners up until recent times used it as an official term for the ubiquitous idea, "bitches be crazy." So really, it fits Shinji's current situation pretty well…_

_ WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF, OUR HERO FINALLY STARTS BEING LESS FUCKING INSANE FOR ONCE!_

_ --_

"That's what I'm asking you, dipshit! God, screw it." Ritsuko said as she gave up in desperation and removed her emergency pack of cigarettes from her desk. "Some of your readings just went crazy after Asuka hit you in the old family jewels..." she trailed off as she took her first puff and thought for a moment. "…which reminds me, I don't have much more time here, Commander Ikari, er, needs me in his office for a meeting. Near as I can figure, this new LCL system is messing around with the quantum uncertainty regularization system for Unit 01's anatomical synchronization neural uplink."

Shinji paused to soak that in, and then remembered that he spent every lecture about the Evas' technical systems listening to his Walkman. "So what does that mean…what does any of this mean?" he asked.

"It means that the system which coordinates and compensates for the differences between your body and Unit 01's body—in this case, Unit 01's lack of male genetalia—was malfunctioning, and since it deals with actualizing an abstract quantity it's sort of unpredictable…and this new LCL circulation allowed that glitch to affect something in Unit 01's communication with your brain. Did you experience anything odd? Headache? Fuzzy vision?"

Shinji's world swung to a sudden and dizzying halt, as if the lone hamster spinning his little wheel had finally keeled over from a heart attack. Everything…everything he'd done. It wasn't real. Now that he thought about it, it was if he hadn't really experienced most of it, it was like he had just briefly gained those memories, of…what had happened? That place, the sky, a giant Rei and Kawaru speaking to him inside the womb of the world…who was Kawaru again? And…and Asuka. On the beach. That hadn't been a memory. He killed her. Murdered her.

Luckily for him, hallucinations don't count for shit in a court of law, so he got away with choking a bitch. If only we were all so lucky. The implications of it, however, were troubling for our stammering protagonist, but…really, troubling implications aren't really that interesting any more, he's seen tons of 'em. Optimistic implications, now that's the ticket. He started to come around to the idea, in fact. Slowly the hamster is resurrected, denied the sweet peace of death and forced to once again turn the wheel of Shinji's convoluted brain.

"I…I think I saw some stuff…but it was just nothing. Some light and noise…that's all." Shinji told Ritsuko.

"Really? Shit, that's bad." she replied. "I was hoping for maybe some useful insight, but don't dare try and be helpful. I better give Misato the clearance forms to go over before I crack that system open. Ah well, I guess that wraps things up for today. And Asuka, stop using the Eva as a toy, OK? Asuka? Asuka? Oh, I guess I turned her intercom system off too, didn't I? Here we go…"

"…turn off my Eva will she? Fucking ragged old bitch, I mean, who dyes their hair blonde these days? I guess it might be popular with _her_ type, but…aww shit this is back on isn't it?"

--

Shinji emerged from his changing room eagerly, glad that he was feeling normal again. Any fears he'd had for assault from Asuka had been swept away by his new-found perspective on life, on her. He couldn't wait to see her again.

Asuka emerged from her changing room, pumped up by her snafu with Ritsuko and ready to take it out on the original cause for the problem: that whiny, weak brat she lived with. She'd been promising it all day, and apparently she had only hit "theoretical testicles" or something with the Evas, so she'd have to get the job done in person this time.

_Sho's Note: fuck it, that's all for tonight I think. I really can't tell if I like this at all. The writing itself, or where I'd take this story…perhaps Shinji SHOULD stay on that beach with Asuka's arm, hmm. This certainly isn't long enough for a real chapter but I need feedback. Rest assured more will come surely, I promise on the grave of Bruce Leeroy's punk-ass…well, once I get through with him after I get out anyways…_


End file.
